{Heartache and Joy}

Wow. I have never felt so conflicted before.

Believe me when I say that I am beyond excited for Greece in less than three weeks and Scotland in just a few months. But I hate saying goodbye. This feels way worse than it should. I think its because of what I'll miss. I'm afraid of being forgotten, of things changing so much that I'm no longer needed or no longer fit in.

I'm saying goodbye to people who won't even have the same name when I return. We can no longer have the kind of relationship we have now. I'm missing weddings.

Why does this have to be so hard? Why must I sacrifice?

I've blogged before about home. No matter which home I'm at, I feel constantly pulled towards the other. What happens when I spend seven months in Europe? How far from home will I feel then?

Heaven will be glorious. Everybody I love, from near and far, from America, from Europe, from all over the world, will be together rejoicing in the God Most High. It will be a congregation of sinners who are no longer sinners. And even then, I'll be in such awe of the glory of God that I won't care if I'm alone or if I'm surrounded by millions of people. That home will be perfect, and I'll never wish I was somewhere else.

I'm excited for the coming adventures. I know that God is in control, that He is leading me, that this is right. I just don't know the purpose. And when compared to all of the heartache I feel, it's hard to remember and trust in His plans.

As I attempt to prepare my testimony, please pray for me. I've always been kind of disappointed in it. However, RUF tonight was encouraging in that regard. I'm learning to recognize where in my life I've struggled and how God has worked with me through those struggles.