Resolutions

2010.

It’s over.

An interesting year.

Milestones: 1. Finished my freshman year at college. 2. Left my teenage years behind. 3. Took, struggled through, and successfully completed what will be my hardest class ever. 4. Lost my almost 16 year old dog.

It was a year without much sleep. There’s way more knowledge in my head to show for those sleepless nights than there was before. I’m different. 2009 was a big year, but it didn’t change me in the way 2010 did.

I have regrets, of course. But it’s worth it.

The last day of the year I had a conversation (full of tears on my part) with a good friend. Things I had kept bottled up needed to be said. I’ve been frustrated. I’ve been taking it out on those close to me, but they were lost. I don’t share my struggles with others. My friend told me that I had to let others know what I needed. I thought that was selfish. I don’t feel right asking people to do something different for me. I have to learn that I’m worth it.

I’m not a very good friend. I realize that. I don’t keep in contact with the people I care about, family or friends. I don’t respond to letters or initiate conversations. I am not intentional in my relationships. I expect certain things of others but don’t let them know.

I’m a different person because I’ve struggled, but I’m losing those closest to me because I haven’t let them know that I’m struggling. I’ve just shut them out.

My friend blogged just the other day about relationships. She said that God has shown us how to love. 

My relationships with others are going to reflect my relationship with God. Before I can even attempt to fix things with my friends, I’ve got to go running back to my Abba. I can’t love well if I don’t understand how unconditionally loved I already am. I have no right to a low self-esteem. I’ve been made perfectly for a reason.

It’s worth it. It’s all worth it. Friendships are hard. Really hard. But they’re worth it. It probably wasn’t easy for my friend to sit there and listen to me say that I wasn’t sure a relationship with her was worth it.

I was blaming things on her that only had to do with me. I was being unfair and unrealistic. But it is worth it. Utterly and completely worth it.

So, some resolutions:

Cliches to live by (Regarding communication): Something is better than nothing; better late than never.

What I need to do:

1. I will joyfully and continuously make an effort to form and maintain my relationships- with people and god.

2. I will consciously communicate my needs and feelings to my friends, family and god.

3. i will make time with god my main priority, above school, family, and friends.

What I need others to do:

1. Ask me specific questions about my life.

There are other, pettier resolutions as well, but they don’t fit here.

I’m learning to focus on love.

To receive it. To give it. To ask for it.

Because I’m worth it.

Welcome, 2011.

I won’t pretend I’m ready, but I’m willing to face you with others, with God, by my side.