Rudderless

Arks don't have rudders.

Noah was safe, but he wasn't in control.

When I give my life to God, when I put it into His hands, I can't steer myself anymore (not that I ever could). I'm at His mercy, and that's a good thing.
I don't know where I want my life to head. I don't know how to get there. There aren't maps for my future or stars I can track.
What good would a rudder do me? I would take control and proceed to lose myself. I wouldn't trust God.
As long as I toss myself into His arms, as long as I enclose myself in Him as I drift upon the seas, He will deliver me where He needs me to be.
I don't know where that is. I don't care where that is.

God destroyed the earth, but He remembered Noah.

When Moses' mother set him adrift upon the Nile River, the crocodile infested Nile River, she put him in an ark--a little basket made from reeds.
Moses didn't have a rudder on his little ark. His mother couldn't guide him after she let go.
Yet God brought him safely to a place Moses would have never imagined. And he was perfectly in place for God's plans.

God doesn't do things on a whim. He doesn't say, "Oh, shoot! Moses' mother just put him in the Nile! Now I have to save his life so my plans will work." He knows. His plan was already in place.
I'm tired of sticking my hands into the waters to attempt to steer myself. God will guide me and keep me safe and place me where I need to be--where my God-given gifts will coincide with my God-given values to affect the God-given people in my life.

"O, Love that will not let me go,
I rest my weary soul in Thee...
I chase the rainbow through the rain,
And feel the promise is not vain,
That morn shall tearless be."

I'm happy to be rudderless.

HOME.

Is where the heart is.
Is sweet.

What if your heart is in two places? Can you be fully at home in two separate places?
I put my mom on an airplane today. There are almost 800 miles between Houston and Nashville and everyday my heart aches because half of it is in another state.

Houston Skyline

I'm comfortable here at school and when I'm "home" I want to be here.
I love being with my family in good ole Texas and when I'm away I miss my family and friends dearly.

Nashville Skyline

Can I ever be complete again?
I'm hoping one day, when I have a family of my own, that place--where they are--will be my true home. It won't matter if that place is Texas or Tennessee or Turkey, it'll be home.

I'll never lose my Texas pride. My heart will always jump when someone mentions Nashville.

All I want is for everyone I love to be in one place. I don't care where.

That's what heaven is for, I guess. There my heart will be fully satisfied. It won't long to be somewhere else.

It'll be HOME.

Simple Joy

Simple joys.

Those things that don't mean much to anyone else, but for some reason bring you incalculable happiness--those things that bring you pure joy.

Clouds. Lucky Charms marshmallows. A day in pajamas with a good book. Hugs. Coming home to dogs.

Sleeping with a little kid.

It stormed tonight while I was babysitting my nephews and niece. I put my niece to bed, but she's never one to fall asleep in a reasonable amount of time. She sings and talks to herself. She told me tonight that she doesn't close her eyes because that makes it too dark. I tried telling her that was the point.
In the midst of the storm, she called down to me. I could barely understand what was wrong; she was having such a difficult time making any sense, stuttering. She was trying to be brave and hold back tears. Apparently, she wasn't scared, but one particular thunder scared her (her explanation). She asked me if I would sleep in her bed with her.

Joy.

I didn't sleep. And actually, she still didn't either. But we cuddled.

Joy.

Four Strands

There is nothing, nothing better than a day, or even an hour, spent with friends.

Oh, by the way, it's totally worth it.

I love them.

"Two are better than one,

because they have good return for their work:

If one falls down,

his friend can help him up.

But pity the man who falls

and has no one to help him up!

Also, if two lie down together, they will keep warm.

But how can one keep warm alone?

Though one may be overpowered,

two can defend themselves.

A cord of three strands is not quickly broken."

- Ecclesiastes 4:9-12

Resolutions

2010.

It’s over.

An interesting year.

Milestones: 1. Finished my freshman year at college. 2. Left my teenage years behind. 3. Took, struggled through, and successfully completed what will be my hardest class ever. 4. Lost my almost 16 year old dog.

It was a year without much sleep. There’s way more knowledge in my head to show for those sleepless nights than there was before. I’m different. 2009 was a big year, but it didn’t change me in the way 2010 did.

I have regrets, of course. But it’s worth it.

The last day of the year I had a conversation (full of tears on my part) with a good friend. Things I had kept bottled up needed to be said. I’ve been frustrated. I’ve been taking it out on those close to me, but they were lost. I don’t share my struggles with others. My friend told me that I had to let others know what I needed. I thought that was selfish. I don’t feel right asking people to do something different for me. I have to learn that I’m worth it.

I’m not a very good friend. I realize that. I don’t keep in contact with the people I care about, family or friends. I don’t respond to letters or initiate conversations. I am not intentional in my relationships. I expect certain things of others but don’t let them know.

I’m a different person because I’ve struggled, but I’m losing those closest to me because I haven’t let them know that I’m struggling. I’ve just shut them out.

My friend blogged just the other day about relationships. She said that God has shown us how to love. 

My relationships with others are going to reflect my relationship with God. Before I can even attempt to fix things with my friends, I’ve got to go running back to my Abba. I can’t love well if I don’t understand how unconditionally loved I already am. I have no right to a low self-esteem. I’ve been made perfectly for a reason.

It’s worth it. It’s all worth it. Friendships are hard. Really hard. But they’re worth it. It probably wasn’t easy for my friend to sit there and listen to me say that I wasn’t sure a relationship with her was worth it.

I was blaming things on her that only had to do with me. I was being unfair and unrealistic. But it is worth it. Utterly and completely worth it.

So, some resolutions:

Cliches to live by (Regarding communication): Something is better than nothing; better late than never.

What I need to do:

1. I will joyfully and continuously make an effort to form and maintain my relationships- with people and god.

2. I will consciously communicate my needs and feelings to my friends, family and god.

3. i will make time with god my main priority, above school, family, and friends.

What I need others to do:

1. Ask me specific questions about my life.

There are other, pettier resolutions as well, but they don’t fit here.

I’m learning to focus on love.

To receive it. To give it. To ask for it.

Because I’m worth it.

Welcome, 2011.

I won’t pretend I’m ready, but I’m willing to face you with others, with God, by my side.

Just a Bit of an Update

I thought I'd put out an update of what I've been up to lately.

First of all, here's the start of Kristi's scarf.

It's not very long, and I should have done a few rows of knit or purl only on the edge to stop it from curling. Oh well. I am also planning on looking up a new stitch pattern to give it some more life so I don't want to go too much longer.

I really like my new bamboo needles though. Plus, I think I can take them on planes!

Today after work, I bought a mug and mini spoon rest because I LOVED it and it was on sale.

So adorable.

Cutie owl :)

This is my favorite for sure. I love him.

Now I'm in a fall mood.

I don't want summer to end without getting a chance to renew my tan but I am ready for new classes and cooler weather and colorful leaves.

Speaking of classes...

This isn't even all of my textbooks. They've been coming in for the past week and making me excited to read them but also dread the large amounts of homework I'm sure to have. I find it hilarious and frightening at the same time. Oh dear goodness. I don't want to have 32 textbooks. Where am I even going to put all of these in my dorm room!! It's not a fun prospect.

See the second book from the bottom in the first photo? The big fat one? That's my new Greek-English Lexicon of the New Testament, aka my Greek dictionary. It's MASSIVE. No joke. It's the one that frightens and excites me the most. Seriously. It's a freaking dictionary... that just happens to be one of my textbooks, one of my most important textbooks.

And I makes me laugh that my Hebrew Old Testament is German. I think one of my biggest struggles in Hebrew is going to be reading left to right. It goes against my every nature.

The only other thing I have to show you is my new journals/ makeshift planners. They came in a set of four, and I smile every time I see them. Wouldn't you?

I'm starting with the third one because it reminds me most of fall. I'm so excited to start filling it up!

Well, goodnight for now! Hopefully I'll have all kinds of things to show you tomorrow-- it's craft day with Lindy. Yay!

I regret not taking my camera with me to dinner tonight. I wish I could show you the wonderful things I ate. My aunt, Grace, is a wonderful Italian cook. She loves to feed us. Since I was home alone tonight, she invited me over for dinner. She said she would be making stromboli.

Yes, please.

Such wonderful delicious-ness. It is my favorite meal she makes.

There was also a surprise. Edamame dumplings. She found this recipe in one of her Cooking Light magazines. I made myself a copy :)

So good. I can't even describe them to you.

Lately, I've really been wishing that I was going to live in a house or an apartment soon. I am ready to have my own space that I can decorate and furnish. I am ready for a place to cook and sew. I want a kitchen.

The next time some of my girlfriends and I cook dinner, I am whipping out my recipe for edamame dumplings. Such a success.

Thanks, Aunt Grace.

We also played Boggle. I whooped her bottom. That's right.

Today I started knitting a scarf for Kristi, even though I told myself I wouldn't until I finished the baby blanket I started a year and a half ago. Oh well. I bought some new bamboo needles and a skein of super brightly colored variegated yarn. I called Kristi to ask her what color she wanted from the store:

Me: "Hey! What color scarf would you like?"
Kristi: "What size dress do I want?"
Me: "No. What color scarf do you want?"
Kristi: "OH! Something exciting! Like yellow! Or blue!"
Me: "Okay. Do you want it to change colors?"
Kristi: "You can do that?! Yeah! I want it to go from yellow to green to blue and back again!"
Me: "Hahahaha. Okay. I'll see what I can do. Bye."

She didn't get quite what she asked for. It has more colors than just those three, but it still screams Kristi to me. I'll put up some pictures of it tomorrow to show my progress. I don't want Kristi to know exactly what it looks like, but she doesn't know about this blog yet. So, it's all good.

I also bought some suede cord so that my sister and I can make sailor's knot bracelets.

Within the next few days, I'll also break out the sewing machine again to make a smaller fabrucket.

I decided to make a Weasley clock for my dorm room door. Any suggestions?

I really don't understand what put me in such a homey mood. All I want to do is cook and craft and have conversations with people.

Thankfully, I have fewer hours at work this week (about half what I usually do), so I'll have more time for all of that.

Get ready people. Post are a-comin'.